Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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