I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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