On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
