What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
