I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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