I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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