dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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