Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
