She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
