letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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