I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
