I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
