I wish my penis had an off switch
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
