Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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