Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
