I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
