A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I love having hate sex.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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