Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
