We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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