I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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