how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
