she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
