can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I will pee on everything he values.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
