And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
When are your genitals available?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
