I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
