everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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