I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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