How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
