I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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