hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
