how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
