i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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