Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
