When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
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Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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