It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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