I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
