My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
i believe in u and ur pee
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
