My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
