Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
