So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
