yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
