new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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