we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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