The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
