The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize