final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
