you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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