I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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