Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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