you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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