Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
