I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
