Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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