Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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