wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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