It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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