you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
