his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
