she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
