We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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