i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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