If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Let's get the cat blown out
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
