oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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