ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
